I thought it might be therapeutic to write. My life has changed so much since some of my last entries. I no longer live with Eric, and living with him was one of the hardest times of my life. I have never been that low, or felt that terrible about myself. I have never had someone make me feel the way he made me feel. Like I was nothing, like I wasn't even worth being around. Its terrifying to feel like that, it's terrifying because he has actually shaken me. He has made me feel like I'm not good enough to be around- like who would EVER want to be around you, or live with you? You aren't interesting enough, or funny enough, you don't do enough, you are nothing. I knew something was wrong the first weekend I moved in, but I stayed.. for 6 months because I literally believed that things would be great. That I can make the best of anything. Because I'm me. I am a happy person, I always want things to be good and OK. I always want people to be happy. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. Living with him made me doubt myself so much. I cant believe another persons actions (or in-actions) could make me doubt everything that made me... me. I was so fragile while I lived there. When I moved out I cried everyday for like a week because I was so relieved.
After all that, I thought 2010 was going to be the worst year ever. It turned out the second I got away from him the year just flip-flopped. It got better and better. It just sucks that it went by so fast. I am really thankful for this year- minus the living with Eric part. There is no part of that experience that I am thankful for.
I have done this complete 180 from over a year ago. I used to be all about getting married and having babies. I still want those things, but not for a WHILE.
But if I am being completely honest, I know that if I was with the person I want to be with, I would marry him and have his babies in a second. Its just that at my new job, everyone I work with is either married or engaged and the people who are married all don't seem to like it very much. And always tell me- seize your youth, have fun while you can, be selfish now... because you can. Go out and have fun with your friends, take trips, date...hook up... do whatever you want. And I want to do those things, well I have done those things but I want to keep doing them while I am 23. I see parents everyday at work and I now know, firsthand, how hard kids are. That doesn't mean I love them any less, or think I won't be a kick-ass mom someday. It's just that I know that what everyone says about kids is completely true. And I want to know that when I do have a kid (or a bunch) that I can completely and utterly devote myself to them. And give them everything they want and deserve. I want to have fun with my kids. All the time. I want to have a husband that is just as weird and awesome as me. I want to remember to let my kids live. I feel like there were so many things that I wasn't aloud to do as a kid because it would "make a mess" or because it's something that wasn't really like socially acceptable or something stupid like that. Not that I'm saying I didn't have an awesome childhood or that my mom didn't try to give me everything- I just feel like we could have had more fun, and more family time. I want a HUGE family. I want my house full of little naked babies running around and screaming. I don't care about how poor I know I will be. Because there would be so much love <3 I want EPIC christmas mornings and birthdays. I want my kids to invite their friends over all the time. The more the merrier. I like alone time, but I LOVE being around people. I love listening to people talk, laughing and just enjoying other peoples company. In some ways I can't wait for all those things. But I know I should.
I'm glad I have a great job. In some ways I wish I could have gone and done something crazy for a couple years before getting a really good job that I know I wont quit for a longggg time. I wish I could have joined the military and assisted there, or gone to India and assisted in some small village that only has one dentist and it's all prob ono. Going to Paris (and Ireland for like 5 hours) was something I am SO glad I got to do. I'm talking like I'll never be able to do something like that I again- which I know isn't true- but It was really important to me that I got to do that. Seriously something I want so bad is just DISNEY WORLD. Never been, want to go so bad. I have done so much in my life and I feel like I'm never truly thankful enough. I'm always wanting something more, or missing what I once had. It's terrible and I wish I would stoppit. I need to live in the now. It's hard for me to, and hard for me to remember things (which is why I am always taking pictures, because without them I think I would barely remember anything. They keep me thankful for what I have, and what I have done.)
I am happy with my life in ways. I am just, unsure of my purpose- my direction. This is an in-between part of our lives. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am waiting for my life to begin, because that is so asinine. I know I'm living my life right now, it has already started and I need to appreciate it now. I'm just unsure of the next chapter. And a little scared of it. I want to be good. I want to be a great person. I hope I am. I want to LIVE everyday to the fullest. I want people to have fun around me, to know it's OK to be silly & just enjoy life. It really is such a gift and I need to stop taking it for granted.
I have rambled to an extreme extent, but whatever- it helps me to put it all down somewhere.
Current Music: christmas music :)