Yesterday at work the doctors blocked off about 3 and 1/2 hrs of the schedule, took us all out to lunch at a Mexican restaurant down the street and then gave us each $150 to spend on ourselves in 1 hour at the mall! We had to spend it all, and we had to spend it only on ourselves. It was such a nice gesture and such a wonderful thing. We all had so much fun running around and sharing what we got.. and us girls road-trippin it back and forth had so much fun :) I gotta remember amazing days like that. Oh also, when I got home, opened my itunes and somehow had this little link to get back all my purchased content I lost. CHRISTMAS MORNINGGGGGGGG.
I am doing SO WELL. I absolutely love so many things about my life. I love living with J.J. He is so good for me... we are best fucking friends. We do absolutely everything together and almost never stop laughing when we are together. I'm coming on 6 months living here. Thats so crazy considering I barely made it to 6 months living with Eric,  I thought I was going to kill myself. In that way, I dont think JJ knows whats hes doing for me. All the wonderful ways i'm growing and learning and accepting with him. He doesn't know the extent of the good hes done and I'm not sure he ever will. I smile so much <3 I want to always remember this feeling.

I've a strange feeling with regard to you. As if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly knotted to a similar string in you. And if you were to leave, I'm afraid that cord of communion would snap... and I've a notion that I'd take to bleeding inwardly. As for you, you'd forget me."

Just watched Oprah's farewell episode. I am going to miss that queen of the world. I have been watching her with my mom since I can remember! Her show is one year older than I have been ALIVE. She will always be groundbreaking and she taught me so much. No matter how cheesy that sounds or how many people say that she really did. And she saved me.. when it comes to deeply personal horrible things that have happened to me... I saw them addressed on her show, she made me face things and understand things about myself.  She is an inspiration, a teacher and a second mother sometimes. I can't believe I wont be seeing her lovely face at 4pm anymore. I sent her an email explaining what she means to me and I hope she reads it. I don't even care if she write back (which she has been promising to do). I just want her to see that, yep... there is ONE more person who you inspired, bettered and taught.  I love you so, SO much and always will.

Until we meet again<3

this wedding was beautiful and elegant and i am so glad i got to watch it.  Cate has never looked so stunning and their story is just lovely. William is clearly very in love with her. It's nice to see the whole world celebrating something so joyous<3

             There are so many terrible things happening in the world right now... egypt, libya, syria, yemen... the tsunami, quakes and subsequent radiation levels in japan, flooding in california, rising gas prices. Natural disasters are only going to get worse and worse and it's very scary :( I don't know it's hard to constantly hear about these horrible things happening around the world. But good news.. Christopher Gribble is going to jail forever +. I watched the verdict being read and his sentencing and cried through the whole thing. I don't know them but by now it kind of feels like we all do.  Autumn Savoy was a patient at my office...I had to take his chart apart when it came out that he gave a false alibi for Spader and Gribble. So many of the kids that come into my office know all of those boys, and went to parties with them after the murders where they brought the machete and bragged about what they did and ahhhhhhh stuff like that does not happen around here! That poor girl had her mother taken from her and will never get to have all the experiences with her that are so important to girls. :'( Its just so sad.
             
             I have been doing really well recently. Considering that I haven't been doing well for a while now but the past like almost 3 weeks have been AWESOME. I have been opening up about stuff that is really important to me moving forward and knowing who I am etc. Next week sally, leeanna and I are going to visit Lauren in NYC and I'm super excited!! We haven't all really been together for like longer than a half an hour since august. which is fucking ridiculous.
             I'm going to be insanely broke this summer. I'm moving... I have to get my car registered and inspected/ fixed in may, cape cod, GAS blah blah blah. Money is going to be extremely hard to come by. I really hope I can start working an extra day at work because I think I will be A-OK if I do. And I really don't feel like getting a second job. I like the one I have and if I get another day I wont need another job.
             The next thing I need is a friggin computer!! Mine was taken away by our neighbor 2 1/2 months ago and he said he was going to fix it/ it wasn't fixable/ hes just going to get me another one.  I obviously cannot afford what I want right now, which is a Mac. But I have no idea what I'm gonna do about my i-tunes which is stressing me out more than not having a computer. whatever blah blah im just complaining.
             I can't wait to move. Living with JJ is going to be so fun and it's so close to my work and I won't have to hear my brother and his girlfriend have sex anymore. WHO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BEST PART TBH.
             I'm rambling/ annoyed right now I'm usually not this negative! anywho i'm going to walk my pup, buy some clothes i can't afford and not feel bad at all :)

I feel like im being pushed away. And I am actually in all seriousness oblivious to the reason.

               I thought it might be therapeutic to write. My life has changed so much since some of my last entries. I no longer live with Eric, and living with him was one of the hardest times of my life. I have never been that low, or felt that terrible about myself. I have never had someone make me feel the way he made me feel. Like I was nothing, like I wasn't even worth being around. Its terrifying to feel like that, it's terrifying because he has actually shaken me.  He has made me feel like I'm not good enough to be around- like who would EVER want to be around you, or live with you? You aren't interesting enough, or funny enough, you don't do enough, you are nothing. I knew something was wrong the first weekend I moved in, but I stayed.. for 6 months because I literally believed that things would be great. That I can make the best of anything. Because I'm me. I am a happy person, I always want things to be good and OK. I always want people to be happy. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life.  Living with him made me doubt myself so much. I cant believe another persons actions (or in-actions) could make me doubt everything that made me... me.  I was so fragile while I lived there. When I moved out I cried everyday for like a week because I was so relieved. 
               After all that, I thought 2010 was going to be the worst year ever. It turned out the second I got away from him the year just flip-flopped. It got better and better. It just sucks that it went by so fast. I am really thankful for this year- minus the living with Eric part. There is no part of that experience that I am thankful for. 
                I have done this complete 180 from over a year ago. I used to be all about  getting married and having babies. I still want those things, but not for a WHILE. But if I am being completely honest, I know that if I was with the person I want to be with, I would marry him and have his babies in a second. Its just that at my new job, everyone I work with is either married or engaged and the people who are married all don't seem to like it very much. And always tell me- seize your youth, have fun while you can, be selfish now... because you can. Go out and have fun with your friends, take trips, date...hook up... do whatever you want.  And I want to do those things, well I have done those things but I want to keep doing them while I am 23. I see parents everyday at work and I now know, firsthand, how hard kids are. That doesn't mean I love them any less, or think I won't be a kick-ass mom someday. It's just that I know that what everyone says about kids is completely true. And I want to know that when I do have a kid (or a bunch) that I can completely and utterly devote myself to them.  And give them everything they want and deserve. I want to have fun with my kids. All the time. I want to have a husband that is just as weird and awesome as me. I want to remember to let my kids live. I feel like there were so many things that I wasn't aloud to do as a kid because it would "make a mess" or because it's something that wasn't really like socially acceptable or something stupid like that.  Not that I'm saying I didn't have an awesome childhood or that my mom didn't try to give me everything- I just feel like we could have had more fun, and more family time.  I want a HUGE family. I want my house full of little naked babies running around and screaming. I don't care about how poor I know I will be. Because there would be so much love <3 I want EPIC christmas mornings and birthdays. I want my kids to invite their friends over all the time. The more the merrier. I like alone time, but I LOVE being around people. I love listening to people talk, laughing and just enjoying other peoples company. In some ways I can't wait for all those things.  But I know I should.
                 I'm glad I have a great job. In some ways I wish I could have gone and done something crazy for a couple years before getting a really good job that I know I wont quit for a longggg time. I wish I could have joined the military and assisted there, or gone to India and assisted in some small village that only has one dentist and it's all prob ono. Going to Paris (and Ireland for like 5 hours) was something I am SO glad I got to do. I'm talking like I'll never be able to do something like that I again- which I know isn't true- but It was really important to me that I got to do that.  Seriously something I want so bad is just DISNEY WORLD. Never been, want to go so bad. I have done so much in my life and I feel like I'm never truly thankful enough. I'm always wanting something more, or missing what I once had. It's terrible and I wish I would stoppit.  I need to live in the now. It's hard for me to, and hard for me to remember things (which is why I am always taking pictures, because without them I think I would barely remember anything. They keep me thankful for what I have, and what I have done.)
                  I am happy with my life in ways. I am just, unsure of my purpose- my direction. This is an in-between part of our lives. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am waiting for my life to begin, because that is so asinine. I know I'm living my life right now, it has already started and I need to appreciate it now. I'm just unsure of the next chapter. And a little scared of it.  I want to be good. I want to be a great person. I hope I am. I want to LIVE everyday to the fullest. I want people to have fun around me, to know it's OK to be silly & just enjoy life. It really is such a gift and I need to stop taking it for granted.
                  I have rambled to an extreme extent, but whatever- it helps me to put it all down somewhere.

i refuse to marry anyone less than the best man i've ever known.

I never knew perfection till i heard you speak
and now it kills me just to hear you say the simple things.
Now waking up is hard to do, sleeping is impossible too.
Everything is reminding me of you, what can I do?
It's not right, not okay.
To say the words that you say.
Maybe we're better off this way.
I'm not fine, I'm in pain.
It's harder everyday.
Maybe we're better of this way.

there was a rose on my windshield when i woke up this morning! WHAT WHEN WHERE HOW.
it doesn't really matter though, because i know its not from the person I want it to be from.
sooo ALL FOR NAUGHT.